Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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