Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
