Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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