Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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