if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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