i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
