YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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