Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
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