I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
