Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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