based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
