and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
