she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I wish you could order shots online.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
