Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
