Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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