hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize