I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
