I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
