What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
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