From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
