I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
