Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Randomize
