now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
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