The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
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