Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Randomize
