Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
