Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
