No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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