It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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