how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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