I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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