Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
