friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
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