I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
