I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
