he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
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