wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Randomize
