Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
