I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
