I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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