I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize