No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
