last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize