So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
