Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize