I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
