he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
