Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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