i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
