I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
