This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
false alarm, still single
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