I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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