i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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