The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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