I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize