this boner is exhausting
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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