I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
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