There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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