i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
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