Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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