this beer tastes like vomit already
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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